License to Kill : Why My Ability to Kill Cockroaches Is the Only Skill That Matters in a Relationship Alex Gutierrez

 Why My Ability to Kill Cockroaches Is the Only Skill That Matters in a Relationship

Let’s face it: nobody’s perfect. I’m not handy. I can’t fix a car. Drywalls? Don’t even get me started. I can’t even change a light bulb without it becoming a two-hour adventure involving a ladder, a flashlight, and several swear words. And when it comes to taking out the garbage? I wait until the bag’s practically bursting at the seams, like it’s a game of how long can I push this thing before it becomes a biohazard?

But here's the thing: none of that matters. Because I possess the skill every woman looks for in a man. Nope, it's not a six-pack, a well-manicured lawn, or the ability to assemble IKEA furniture without tears. What I have that no one else does is the single most important attribute in a relationship. It’s not even close.

I am an expert in the elimination and disposal of cockroaches.

Can you handle a Cockroach video? Click here 

Now, before you start thinking this is some sort of humble brag about my charming good looks or my incredible culinary prowess, let me assure you, this is life or death we’re talking about. In Florida, we’re not just dealing with your average housefly or spider. No, we’ve got creatures so large they could star in their own horror movie franchise. And when the love of your life sees one of these creepy critters, it’s panic mode. Total meltdown. That’s where I come in.

Picture this: you’re sitting there, minding your own business, enjoying a quiet evening. Then, the shriek. The finger pointing. The dreaded words: "IT’S THE LARGEST COCKROACH I’VE EVER SEEN!" That’s when the magic happens. While most men would freeze in fear, unsure of what to do, I spring into action. Years of training—nay, decades of training—have prepared me for this very moment.

Whether the cockroach is clinging to the ceiling, sitting smugly on the floor, or God forbid, flying toward you in a mad frenzy, I am the man you want. I’ve got a technique for every scenario.

First, I perform a quick assessment of the situation. What’s the location? What’s the size? Is it a juvenile roach, or is this a seasoned veteran, perhaps a cockroach that’s seen some things? And, most importantly, is it cornered? Because if it's cornered, that's when the real action begins.

The Tools of My Trade:

1. The Sandal – The classic. Always ready. It’s flat, wide, and provides a satisfying splat when it lands. Bonus points if it’s a flip-flop because it gives you that added element of surprise.

2. The Tennis Shoe – A reliable option, especially when you need to channel some serious force. I mean, it’s practically a weapon. If I was a superhero, The Tennis Shoe would be my sidekick.

3. The Folded Magazine – The sneaky move. I sneak up, fold it just right, and then WHAM—one swift swipe. The cockroach has no idea what hit it. It's over before it even realized it was under attack.

4. The Swiffer – Yes, a Swiffer. This bad boy is flat, versatile, and can reach all the high places. If the cockroach dares to fly (the ultimate betrayal), the Swiffer becomes a one-man air defense system. There’s no escape when you’ve got a long handle and a flat surface.

5. Pesticide – Only when necessary. It’s a last-resort move, but when a cockroach has cornered itself into a dark crevice, that’s when I bust out the big guns. A well-timed squirt and—bam! The game is over.

And here's the key, the secret sauce that makes me the man of your dreams: I don’t just kill the roach. I anticipate its every move. When it tries to dart away, I’m there, ready for it. The ultimate sign of victory is the dreaded crunch—yes, I know it’s gross, but if you’ve ever heard that sound in the midst of a cockroach crisis, you know it’s the sweet sound of success.

I demonstrated this rare skill on our second date. Remember that night? You invited me over for a quiet evening, a little wine, a little Netflix. Then, like clockwork, it appeared. That monster cockroach, creeping along the wall. I could see the terror in your eyes as it started its slow, deliberate crawl toward you. And I did what any expert would do. I grabbed my sandal, assessed the situation, and in one smooth motion, the cockroach was no more. The look on your face said it all—you knew in that moment. This was the man for you.

While other guys might boast about their ability to fix a leaky faucet or assemble a bookshelf with no extra parts left over, I’m over here with a world-class cockroach elimination technique that ensures you can sleep soundly at night—without the fear of an invasion.

So, I told my present wife. if you’re looking for someone who can fix things, change tires, or even make a soufflé, you’re probably better off looking elsewhere. But if you need someone who can take care of that one little problem—the cockroach—then look no further. I’m your guy. The crunch you hear is just the beginning of the rest of our happily-ever-after.