Why Are We Being Charged for Air? The Oxygen Economy Conspiracy Explained Alex Gutierrez

 

Why Are We Being Charged for Air? The Oxygen Economy Conspiracy Explained

 Alex Gutierrez

I went to put air in my tires this morning . I had no change and the credit card reader was broken.In a plot twist that’s sure to leave you gasping for breath (and your wallet), the most basic human necessity—air—is now a commodity. Yep, you heard that right: air, that invisible substance we all take for granted, is now something you might need to pay for. Remember when gas stations used to give you free air for your tires? Well, those days are long gone, replaced by the modern horror that is the coin-operated air pump. No more free tires for you, my friend! Now you’re lucky if it costs under two bucks just to keep your bike tire from collapsing.

How did we get here? Let’s take a deep breath (before the bill comes) and dive into the breathtaking tale of the oxygen economy.

The Rise of the "Air Moguls"

Who’s behind this air-money-grab, you ask? Take a look at your friendly neighborhood gas station and convenience store. These modern-day air moguls have discovered something we missed: we’re literally breathing their profits. These corporate giants realized they could charge us for a resource we literally can't live without. Sure, they say it’s for maintenance costs—like pumping air into machines that pumps air. But let’s be real: they’re just out here making us pay for the privilege of not suffocating in the parking lot.

Don’t be surprised if your next trip to a fast food joint includes an “air surcharge.” How else are they going to make up for the cost of that "fresh" atmosphere you're enjoying in their establishment?

The Daily Breathing Bill: Let's Crunch the (Breathless) Numbers

Okay, now let’s talk numbers. If we’re going to be charged for air, we might as well get the calculator out.

The average human breathes about 16 times a minute. That’s about 23,000 breaths a day. Now, imagine each of those breaths costs you just 1 penny (we’re going easy on you). That’s $230 a year just for air. You could have spent that on something fun, like a Netflix subscription that you’ll barely use. But no, instead you’re coughing up cash just to inhale.

It gets worse. If you’re one of those overachievers who breathes faster than average, you could be spending double. At this rate, your breath bill might be higher than your phone bill. You’ll be budgeting for your next inhale like you're on Shark Tank, ready to pitch a business idea to Steve Jobs' ghost.

The Air Pump Revolution: Pay for the Breeze

Gas stations, always at the cutting edge of "convenience" (read: inconvenience), have taken this whole air pricing thing to the next level. If you've ever stood in front of an air pump, clutching a fistful of change and wondering how this became your life, you know the feeling of pure indignation. How did we get here? Wasn’t air supposed to be free? Isn’t it literally just air?

But wait—charging for air is just the beginning, my friend. Buckle up. Soon, we’ll see premium air services.

You want fresh mountain air? That’ll be $3.99 for a 5-minute session. Feeling fancy? Try "Oxygen Deluxe"—an extra $2 for air that’s been filtered and enriched with a touch of organic lavender. (For that true luxury experience, of course.) And if you’re really living large, go for the “Crisp Autumn Breeze.” It’s only $5, but don't get too attached to that seasonal deal. Prices may rise with the falling leaves.

The Future of Air Pricing: "Inhale Now, Pay Later"

Welcome to the future. A future where your air usage is controlled by a subscription plan. Your air bills will come in monthly. Imagine the drama when you forget to renew your air plan. You’re at the grocery store, quietly minding your business, when the checkout attendant looks at you and says, “Sorry, your air plan expired last week. That’ll be $1.50 per breath, or you can upgrade to our Platinum Breathe plan.”

We’re getting closer to a time when we’ll swipe our cards to inhale. Don’t be surprised if you start collecting "Air Miles" the way you collect Starbucks points. “I just upgraded to 10,000 breaths a month,” you’ll say, sipping your filtered air from your new fancy canister. “Now I can inhale 50 times per minute like a real adult.”

Heaven help you if you fall behind on payments. You could be left gasping for breath in a crowd while your air plan is "reactivated." It’s a brave new world, folks.

The Takeaway: Make Air Free Again

Okay, we’ve had our fun. But seriously, it’s time to take a stand. Let’s unite under the banner of a cause that matters—Make air free again. Why should we let corporate overlords control the one thing we all need to survive? A single breath shouldn’t come with a receipt. We deserve a future where breathing doesn’t come with hidden fees.

So, the next time you find yourself standing by an air pump, clutching a dollar bill, take a deep breath (you know, the free kind) and wonder: what if breathing were the next luxury item? Keep your spare change for that next deep inhale. And join the revolution, folks—one free breath at a time.