The Super Bowl is Here and Disco Can't Save me
by DJ Alex Gutierrez
Alright, folks, the Super Bowl is upon us. The one time of the year when I pretend to care about sports as much as everyone else does.Is it pronounced " Licks"? But here’s the thing—I don’t know jack about sports. I was that kid growing up who could never quite grasp the concept of teamwork or skill. When it came time to pick teams for any game—kickball, dodgeball, you name it—I was always the last one standing there, awkwardly shuffling my feet, hoping maybe, just maybe, someone would choose me before the overweight kid and the kid with Coke bottle-bottom glasses. (No offense to those two, they were probably the smarter ones anyway.)
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Super Bowl parties and being around friends. I mean, who doesn’t love a good spread of snacks, a mountain of chips, and some secret family recipe dips that definitely came straight from TikTok? But when the guys start chatting about player stats, game predictions, and making references to "underdogs" or "comeback kings," I just freeze up. I try to throw out a generic response like, “Yeah, I totally think the Rams are gonna… win? Maybe?”
It’s never convincing, though. You’d think I could at least fake it. But these guys? They can spot a “non-sports guy” a mile away. I don’t own any team gear—no jerseys, no hats, not even a coffee mug with a logo on it. At least the guys who wear the merch can say, “Oh yeah, my team’s gonna crush it today.” Me? I’m just sitting there in my Grace Jones T-Shirt, thinking, I’m about to get roped into a conversation about a sport I only vaguely understand.
Sure, I’ve got a basic understanding of the game. I know what a touchdown is. I can spot when someone is “wide open.” And yes, I can name a few players from the undefeated 1972 Dolphins (at least I think it was ’72? Google me later). But beyond that, I’m out. I’m no expert. And honestly, how can I fake excitement when a guy who makes ten million times my salary runs across a field and scores? “Whoa, that guy sure ran fast,” " I Think we're going all the way this year" I say with a little too much enthusiasm, trying to fit in, but inside, I’m just hoping that one of the wives will call me over to the kitchen to ask me the name of a song I played at the club last night. I know, I know—at least that question will be in my wheelhouse.
And let’s talk about the game length. Man, these things seem to take forever! The clock ticks down, the commercials come on (don’t get me wrong, I’ll pretend to enjoy the ads, but really, I’m just waiting for the next snack), and I’m counting the seconds until it’s finally over. By halftime, I’ve had approximately 72 snacks, at least 4 drinks, and have successfully avoided any in-depth conversations about “quarterbacks” or “playbooks.”
But hey, one thing I can always count on at Super Bowl parties? The food. People go all out with their TikTok-famous dips, and honestly, that’s the only thing I can talk about without lying through my teeth. “Whoa, this buffalo chicken dip is fire!” I say with a grin, even though I secretly wonder if I can go back for seconds without anyone noticing.
Now, about the beer situation. Yeah, there’s a lot of beer drinking at these parties, but let’s be honest—most of the stuff in the cooler is either light beer or something too mainstream for my taste. I’m over here praying someone brings Grimbergen, but I know it’s probably not happening. So I begrudgingly sip whatever's in the cooler, all while hoping the next commercial break has something more entertaining than people running after a ball.
So, go ahead. Take away my man card. I won’t fight you on it. I’ll still be here, happily munching on whatever food happens to be around, nodding along to conversations I don't understand, and hoping someone asks me what’s hot on the club scene. But at the end of the day, it’s all about the company and the food, right? The Super Bowl may come and go, but the dips? Those are forever.
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